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Thursday, October 10th, 2002
1:01 pm - how great is everything right now
i really just cant believe that i live here. its like a dream that i know is going to end far too soon, but what can you do? The only thing that could make this place better would be if damion and josh and jon and kirsten and beth and blah blah could be here with me. that would be cool. Also i f i hadnt dropped my computer so that it no longer works that would be cool. and if my throat wasnt grey (yes grey) and swollen and bloody. that kinda sucks too. TO THE DOCTOR!

anyway, im loving this place. i still havnt left italy but i would be totally content not to.

so guess what? I have anitalian boyfriend. sort of, i dont know if he is or isnt, im not really sure how that whole "title" comes about. but there is one very special guy who i go out with several times a week, and only him. And he is so sweet and wonderful, i wish i could put him in my pocket and bring him home with me. So anyway, yeah me!

i love this country, and these people, and even my classes. i erally should be doing my paper right now, but its so close to being done im just not feeling it.

its totally pooring outside, and that i also love. tonight my teacher is singing in a beatles coverband so i think ill go see him. That dude cracks me up, i want to bring him home too. Anyway, i really should get my learn on, and then get to the doctor.

Viva italian e ci vediamo presto!

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Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
3:07 pm - I MADE IT! ITALY AT LONG LAST!
i would just like to say to all of you who never had any faith in me and who never thought i could do this - screw you.

and to those of you who have always believed in me more then i have myself, please join me in my overwhelming happiness.

Im not saying adjusting to life here has been easy, ive had days where ive felt so desolate and stupid for doing this, moving here, leaving my life behind. But more often (far more) am i overwhelmed with happiness. Shear bliss. A level of being i never knew exsisted.

Things are way differnt here. The people i know are surely dirrent, but not better or worse by anymeans (though i miss my friends from home). The life is by far. And the guys! i have never been so popular with the opposte sex - ever. I had to buy a date book so i can keep my shit straight.

And the country itself is beautiful beyond belief. The other night i stood on this hill the overlooked all of florence lit up like a christmas tree, in the rain, and just laughed i was so happy to be where i was.

i am constantly doing things.

this is the most amazing timwe of my life. I cant imagine ever boing happier. I am in the middle of living out my life long dream. I truely believe i am the luckiest person on the planet.

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Sunday, July 28th, 2002
1:40 am - "I like you, just the way you are"
Alice is staying with me, and Im enjoying her company. We're actually spending alot less time together then I had thought we would, which is good, cause we cant get on each others nerves which would be bad. My brother will be here tomorrow which means i get kicked out of my room, but its worth it.

I still hate my job - feel as though i sold my soul (but i get to start closeing my own deals on monday...woohoo...bleh), and i hate school - but they are all coming to a close soon. The coutndown continues.

Things are shaping up in the friends department. Someone who has never called except when returning mine, did so, making it the 3rd time taht week. :)

I finally got a hold of Steve, which is a great big plus. I went to a party his friend was having and basically leaped into his arms. John Durso was there too, and though I havent thought of him in some time, I was surprisingly thrilled to see him.

You know how adults (and movies) talk about going to your high school reunion and falling in love with your old sweet heart right on sight. Well it wasnt quite like that, and he was never my sweetheart, but i did once have a sizeable crush on him, and we enjoyed many a movie cuddling (as alice would put it) on his couch. Well anyway when I saw him, all of a sudden i felt like i did when i was a freshman. And when he hugged me, or held his arm around me, it was like stepping into a time capsule - i was totally overwhelmed with this feeling of security and comfort, and happiness. And when he told me about his accident and recovery ( which had never seemed real before) and how hes been sober ever since.... i was just so proud. You really wouldnt think someone would speak so candidly to someone they really hadnt known since they were 15 - but he did, and i was totally taken by it. And then tonight i found myself really afraid for him (even though hes totally fine now), and petrified at the though of nearly haveing lost him, and not only not knowing about it, but being fairly non chalant when i did.

I never realized until today how much Ive really missed him - and missed having a friend who openly shows affection and concern for me the way he does.

I suppose sleep is in order, i have just passed the 12 hour point for how long ive been awake. :)

In the words of a wonderful roommate - nighty noodles.

current mood: peaceful

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Thursday, July 11th, 2002
4:52 pm - one of those days
This summer started out with some incredible promise. It was shocking to me how completely opposite everything felt from last summer, and as I look back at my first entry since leaving Chapman University, I wonder where that girl went. Cause little by little everything that had seemed so perfect so hopeful, is crumbling in my hands like wet sand and its being shoved into my face under a much less appealing light. So here I sit, again, wiping away my tears, wondering why they won’t stop, and wondering how I fell back into this dark horrible place where no matter how bright my prospects look, they always turn out so utterly bleak.

This year it was all going to be different. Everything was finally falling into place. I was aware that I would spend this summer without much contact with friends, but the confidence I had in the people I love was enough, and I didn’t mind. But today I find myself again doubting, jealous and afraid. And of course empty and alone – knowing full well in my head that I’m not, but unable to stop the sick feeling that envelops me.

This summer I was going to get a good desk job, make enough money for Italy that it wouldn’t matter that I wasn’t working when I got there. Instead I find myself home most everyday, wishing the stupid temp agency would do their damn job and find me work, knowing had I just lied about the length of my stay in SD, I would have been working since day one. As it is, Ive made far less then I would have had I simply taken the job at the “Y” and everyday hearing my brothers sarcastic words echoing in my head “You’re right, its better to work one week and have the rest of the summer off”. The thing is I know I’m more qualified then most of the people at these agencies – I can tell overtime someone takes in a breath at my test scores – but still I remain home in front of my computer in the middle of a work day. Looking forward to starting a job as a telemarketer, a job I swear Id never take again, for far less money then I’m worth.

I had planned on losing weight, so when I went to Italy I could live however I wanted and not worry. So When I looked back at pictures of this “dream come true” trip I wouldn’t be ashamed like I am when I see my graduation, prom, and brothers wedding photos. And so I exercise everyday, I swallow the diet pills with Slim-fast, and have still put on weight. I tried to blame the old “muscle weighs more then fat” placation, but to no avail because most of my clothes are too tight and the prom dress, which I had to pin in several places when I wore it to the all school formal last year, fits snuggly again (but of course now the bust hangs off).

So now with no reason to wake up in the morning, I roll myself out of bed at noon and don’t get dressed until I have to go to class at night, a class which is so ridiculous I wont even go into, not now at least. Lets just say the class is boring and slow and my teacher is a total dick. I had to call Josh during my break last night to calm me down cause I was so angry my whole body was shaking and I nearly had burst into furious, defeated tears. And to make it worse, Alice is supposed to come live with me for two weeks, but lets face it, I’m no picnic to be around. I’m angry, isolated and depressed, knowing her I’m sure she’ll be angry and sick of me within the first hour.

But as I learned last year, the summer will end soon enough. So then I’ll be off to Italy, which I have to do alone, since Toni can no longer go, which will be hard enough. But now I have so little money, I won’t even be able to afford to eat, let alone travel and enjoy the place I’m in.

And I’ll come home, where before I had planned on taking classes I love, I’ll be enrolled in neurophysiology and microbiology and have school through the afternoons which leaves little time for work and internship, let alone a life.

But it wont really matter cause the wonderful house I had planned on moving into with my 3 best friends is a distant memory now that will never happen, because of unforeseen circumstances. So I can’t really blame anyone, but I also cant help but be afraid, because without a place to live I will end up renting from strangers, (if someone will take me for just 4-5 months) and I can only imagine how much trouble I’m going to have adjusting, when moving off campus the first time with people I knew sent me into an emotional tailspin.

Just goes to show you shouldn’t ever have expectations, which I guess now includes making plans for the future, cause that way there’s nothing to not work out. I’m so over everything at this point. I wish I could just fall asleep forever and permanently drift away from it all. It just doesn’t seem worth it to try anymore.

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Sunday, July 7th, 2002
11:59 pm - "Split a piece of wood and i am there, lift a rock and you will find me"
I think im losing my mind.

I dont know how much more of this i can handle, and i dont even know what it is im trying to handle. I do know, however, that this plastered on smile is beginning to hurt.

It just seems that everytime I put my life together, it crumbles to pieces again, but so much worse. Everystep i take in the right direction pushes me back two.

I just want to stop hurting, and to know what Im hurting over.

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Thursday, July 4th, 2002
12:14 am - Bored - so very bored
hehe - i say that alot...i know.

But its true. Im in this stats class, even though ive had 2 years of stats in high school, so besides already having learned it all the teacher is just horribly boring and weird and obssesed with "beaches" and tree diagrams.

Damion's in another country, and everyone else is scattered all over California.

I spent this last weekend with Josh, and it was alot of fun (unfortunately he brought some things to light about our future living situation that could just be the ruin of everything). I was supposed to spend the 4th with him in Irvine, but i have to work Friday (out of the blue) so i cant go. Im so having mixed emotions on how to feel everytime i leave him. Last week when i left, i came back 5 minutes later cause i was so tired i didnt want to risk driving, but i was sad when i left. Then when i left for real i didnt care cause i thought id see him tomorrow, now it turns out itll be the end of august (just like everyone else) - and thats no good.

I talked to alice tonight. Shes in hawaii. Shes gonna live with me for 2 weeks when she gets back. I feel bad though cause i leave in the morning and dont get home till 930 - 4 days a week.

I watched the "3rd of july" fireworks tonight - cause round these parts thats when we celebrate our nations independence. It started as a mistake a few years back, and then kinda stuck.

I over spent my credit limit this month so i cant spend any money till the 10th (except i need gas, so im making an exception).

I think thats it.

Now do you see why i say im bored?....

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Thursday, June 20th, 2002
11:51 pm - im lonely
i just realized. wow. that really makes me want to cry. where are all the people that are supposed to love me?

god im lonely

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11:30 pm - i dont know
im really not sure how i feel about anything right now.

i can tell you one thing thought, dont buy cds when you have not listened to every track. ive spent 20$ recently on cds i do not want AT ALL! Want them? Its the new Unwritten law and Anastacia...hehe, i know weird combo.

this happened a few weeks ago, but quite frankly, its all thats happened. i went to the store to buy the new NFG cd and the second i walked into the store, the girl knew exactly what i wanted. Oh man, i had a really strong urge to step on my glass, throw my accesories of a building and burn all of my clothes.

Since they were sold out I had to get a rain check, and wouldnt you know there was a line for NFG rainchecks. Man! I hate being home, cause i always turn into one of the masses. I like being at school cause i can stay ahead of the curve and act like a music snob. Hehe, oh who am i kidding. I do it anyway, i had to really watch what i say around one of my frineds, cause i think i make her feel dumb that i know less "mainstream" bands. Even though i profusely explained that my wonderful taste in music (hehe) is due 100% to my friends. I dont find these groups, my friends do. Im just a parasite for their taste.

However, most of those bands are on warped tour this year, so it looks like i may have to find some new bands.

Anyway, i almost ran over a snake on my bike. Not cool. Ive been doing alot of mountain biking lately since there is no one here to hang with. My ass hurts alot.

I really, really need a job. I kow im smart and SUPER qualified, and still ive got nothing. Im really begining to get let down. Oh well. I guess im gonna go to bed now. Its nearly midnight, and im bored cause i have no friends here.

But on the plus side im staying with joshuash tomorrow so im happy. Ive got an interview too - and im gonna go to miramar lake to ride.

current mood: blank

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Thursday, June 13th, 2002
11:43 pm
never have expectations - that way you arent disappointed and anything good that happens is just a pleasant surprise

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Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
11:10 pm - later dayz....
ok so im pretty bored, but eh - whatcha gonna do? Um, my mom brought me dinner from yummy Georgios tonight. Hehe, pretty sad when thats the most exciting this in my life. Oh well, im contento.

thanks to damion here this is - its pretty correct para mi.

18

I act like I'm 18.
This test was brought to you by Melissa - No, really.... Take it here.

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Thursday, May 30th, 2002
11:43 pm - Tom Sawer and Huckelberry Finn aka Helen and Jenney
so lazy ass me has decided that I am the outdoorsy active type. Really Im just trying to get some excercise and videos bore the hell out of me.

So, I recruited Helen and we have been going on what she today refered to as "Tom Sawer summer adventures". It started a few days back.

I really wanted to rollerblade at Hilltop (park) and watch the sun set, cause its really pretty from there, all thing considered. But there are stupid signs taht dont allow rollerblades, so I was forced to settle for srummy Canyonside where I had to weave in and out of badeball supporters. Surprisingly Helen met me there and we circled the park. Boring but it was segway for the next day.

We drove down to Miramar lake and she ran, and I bladed around the lake. it was nice cause everyone there was doing the same thing we were. Then we fed the ducks, but got chased away by geese who I swear were trying to kill us - there was screaming and running and so much laughing I couldnt breathe.

Then today the plan was to bike through the preserve to the waterfall to go crawdad fishing. After a series of misfortunes that ate up the whole morning and part of the afternoon, we settled on walking the 3 1/2 mile trail, which we chose not to stick to - lengthening the adventure. We made a "festive" little game out of scaring the crap out of each other by screaming, or jumping away from invisible attackers, or sneaking up on each other. The first biker who came up behind us scared the bagezus out of both of us. When we finally got to the waterfall we climbed over countless rocks until we found stagnant water and went crawdad fishing (with hot dogs and string). It was so funny cause the first one helen caught caused us to get all crazy and i basically threw the tin with the critter into the pond at the same time that helen slipped off the rock into the water. I laughed so hard it hurt. I now have almost an entire roll of film of helen.

Oh yeah, and to start the week out right, i went to the duck pond to do my homework under a tree, it was all very countryesk, except for that the freeway is right there. Blah.

The moral of my story is - ive been having tons of fun, but my body is so very tired right now.

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Sunday, May 26th, 2002
11:55 pm - human contact
so ive actually had some real human contact over the last few days, and thats always cool. I talked to Josh for over an hour last night - kinda not so excited to get that telephone bill, but I dont mind, i was just glad to talk to him. WE pretty much talked about nothing until really late, and those are my favorite conversations. I used to do that alot in high school. Just talk for ever about nothing in particular until you were so tired you hung up and fell right asleep. :)

Then today I went "hiking", im so out of shape its pathetic. i took my dog with me, and we both almost died from exhaustion. Hehe

Then I went to Pscars tonight with helen. We ate and then sat and talked for two hours. Then we went out to the car and talked for two more hours. It was really cool. i havent really talked to her since spring break. Its interesting how we went through alot of the same "issues" this semester. i think we're both just trying to figure it all out still, just like everyoneelse. And we both get the chance to start with a clean slate this fall.

I like how we can not talk for so long, and then just talk all night.

friends are good. yes, i think they are

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Monday, May 20th, 2002
12:36 am - Home again
So bored. All i did today was sleep and eat. The whole fam was together which was cool. We went out for Pho, which I wasnt all that fond of - but if you know me, the next time I eat it ill probably become obsessed. hehe

I think ive caught up from all the lack of sleep i got during finals week. Remind me never again to go out to breakfast at 7am, and if i do, to not go to earls. I cant imagine what josh was thinking when he came upwith that one, or what i was thinking when i agreed.

On FDriday a bunch of us saw Finch. it wasnt as cool as the last time, but it was still fun. Right before they went on, i started to cry a little cause as jon yelled "FI-ANCH" i realized it was the last time for a really long while that Id get to hang out with these people.

I didnt hardly cry when I left. When Josh hugged me I was amazed I kept my composure. As he walked away (he was the last person i saw) I yelled "hey, i didnt even cry!". he turned around, smiled, gave me a thumbs up and yelled back "Baby steps Jenney," and then turned the corner and disappeared. I got in my car and strted to sob, but was ok in a few minutes.

I think i was ok cause in my mind I said "you'll see faye in a week, damion in one or two (hopefully), josh in a month, and alice in 2 months. Plus you can call any of them at any time, so this isnt so bad" And then i went to rudabagorz, ate some cheesecake and went home.

I love you all. And amazingly dont even miss you, cause you're so alive in my heart right now I couldnt possibly. And though im physically alone, for the first time in my life I dont feel alone. And I know, regardless of how spread apart we are right now (Bend, Mesa, Tahoe, Orange/Irvine, San Diego), in my heart you're right here with me, and always will be.

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Friday, May 17th, 2002
12:16 pm
Toni just left.

I cried a little.

I really like her.

I hate saying goodbye.

I wont even get to see Damion to say goodbye. Instead im giving josh a card for him, and hoping I get to see him at least once this summer

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Thursday, May 16th, 2002
5:41 pm - ITS ALL OVER!
yeah - finals are over

now what....

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Tuesday, May 14th, 2002
9:40 pm - Finals can bite me!
What is the deal?

Its finals week currently - for those of you who havent figured that out., and for the dorms that means 24 hour quiet.

Ive been working in Helnely hall all year, and Ill be lucky if I see 5 people over the course of a four hour shift. But now all of a sudden people are comeing out of the woodwork. There are so many people just hanging out everywhere its reidiculace.

Now the dorm I live in is practically a ghost town all year. All of a sudden people are playing drum sets and basketball 24/7. They say, SHHHH for one week 24 hours a day, and now eveyone appears and makes noise. I feel like I should bang some pots and pans together just so I'll fit in.

And theres absolutely no parking, and there's always parking during the day. Not anymore....

Go figure

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Friday, May 10th, 2002
5:17 pm - And they're off....
i have officially begun my finals week preperation extravaganza! Woohoo

last night the show was really cool Midtown was great, but i think i liked them better the first time I saw um. The movielife was really energetic but they sounded like shit. I liked Rudiger. Um...i dont like thrice and Face to face was good.

I way prefer smaller venues though. There seems to be less screaching 14 year old girls and couples makeing out.

I need to study. NOW

current mood: Study study study study study

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5:17 pm - And they're off....
i have officially begun my finals week preperation extravaganza! Woohoo

last night the show was really cool Midtown was great, but i think i liked them better the first time I saw um. The movielife was really energetic but they sounded like shit. I liked Rudiger. Um...i dont like thrice and Face to face was good.

I way prefer smaller venues though. There seems to be less screaching 14 year old girls and couples makeing out.

I need to study. NOW

current mood: Study study study study study

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Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
11:16 pm - Every fiber of my being says study except one....
.... guess which fiber won. You guessed it. Just cause i have a final tomorrow in a class i am failing (for real F, not a dramatic B like usual). Well this is the lab in which i am excelling, it is the stupid lecture that is kicking my ass. How is that possible? I obviously get the important stuff if i can put it to use in real life. Oh well - my scholarship is slipping farther and farther away every semester. Im super scared i may lose it and have to transfer, and basically have to start all over cuase dumb old chapman has me take tons of needless courses.

If it werent for the very few totally rad people ive met here, who im sure ill know my whole life - i would say this place was a horrid mistake that i wish i could take back.

Tomorrow night is the sold out face to face/movielife/midtown show. Im stoked cause josh and i have (expensive $22) tickets. However recently it has come to my attention that midtown is being a bunch of "bad names" to drive thru. So they suck on my like them list, but their music is still catchy - so im still going.

Then next week its the finchness and starting line 2 days in a row. Im pathetic i know. Alice is supposed to call to help me study, and she hadnt. Poop face.

I need to shower. My hair is dingy. The wheather is reaking havock.

My brother is gonna stop by on his way home in 2 count úm 2 days. Excitamundo.

I miss my friends. Im sad kirsten will be in NY all summer. not like ill have anytime anyway, but just knowing she's there is nice, to look and see her bedroom and know that shes in it.

THIS IS A PLEA FOR MISS BETHY TANNENBAUM TO PLEASE COME TO SAN DIEGO FOR THE SUMMER SO I DONT DIE FROM A BORED BROKEN HEART! I KNOW YOURE READING THIS - DONT ABANDON ME.... PLEASE.

I was supposed to live with josh on the weekends this summer since i have school, but hes decided to go home for most of the duration of my class. That gets a big "rock fist down".

Anyway, failure calls. Wish me....passing grades.

current mood: working

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Friday, May 3rd, 2002
10:58 pm - your the biggest bunch of sucks who ever sucked
I dont really feel like i have so much to say these days. Things are pretty middle of the road so no horror stories to tell no wonderous things. Just the same old

I continue to get jealous of my friend hanging out with other people, correction - other girls, which is lame cause i know theres o cause for worry. But its like i cant control my own brain and that kinda blows. Im trying really hard to control my overwhelming emotions.

My trip to Italy is starting to become really real - which is cool. im sort of scared, but mostly thrilled.

I gave my comm. final on what its like to look like i do (super white skin and hair). Apparently i dida pretty good job, pulled a few heart strings, made a couple friends feel guilty (sorry), but it felt really good to stand up in front of a room of people and just say "im not any different then you, so stop stareing and dont treat me like a leper."

Yesterday I got to see both Vernica and the Lawrence Arms so my day was as fantastic as it could be.

I started my psych class tonight. 7 saturdays to go. Ill be living with micheal, faye and josh on various weekends, so i can still go to school up here even though ill be living at home.

Last weekend the my dance team competed. We did a really good job. Noticed im fat kid times ten when i put on all that spandex, but luckily we only dance for 3 minutes, then i ripped it off.

finals are coming up - thats not cool

thats about it. Its riday night and the only one of my friends i could locate ws asleep. I really need to lojack those crack heads so i can find them. If only you knew the paranoid things that are running through my head right now - but in an effort to surpress my pshycosis im not going to write them down. :)

Ive been having this series of dreams lately about this one friend of mine. They happen like once a week and our relationship gets progressively less close. The first one, we were obviously "together" (and to enjoy it as much as i did was way weird), and NO it wasnt a sex dream. The next one was pretty much where our relationship really is. We were super close and goofing around - it was way funnified. This last one was disturbing though. i cant remember what i did, but he HATED me with a passion. I remember bawling and begging for forgiveness and he practically spat in my face. Im slighlty concerned as to what the next instalment will have in store.

Im sleepy. I have a little bit of the alcohol in my system right now. Drinking alone? you ask. Well technically, but it was with my late dinner so i dont think this counts in my budding alcoholic chronicals.

Sleep, now.

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